We don't take bribes!

I am absolutely shocked that members of the House of Lords of all places have been taking bribes to fix things for businesses. Where I come from, one never hears of politicians taking backhanders. There is no need whatsoever for this sort of thing.

Obviously a man of the world like myself would not cling to any romantic nonsense about virtue being its own reward. It is just that a reputation for integrity can be made to pay in the long run. By not getting caught taking bungs, our politicians can get top dollar for nice little sinecures as non-executive directors and quango chairmen. It is mainly because they look good on the letterheads. Our politicians are notorious for not having much practical sense about money.

Even so, if they keep their noses clean, and are careful about properly balancing the needs of big business against their duties to their electors rich pickings await. For instance I am years away from retirement from politics, but I am already making sure that our workers cannot kick a failed employer when he is down, the way that they do everywhere else. Redundancy pay indeed – if they had worked harder for their bosses they would still have jobs. I am certainly aiming to have some good jobs to go to when I leave office.

Vacuum Economics

In the Twentieth Century they had a theory about Hydraulic Modelling of economics. Academic economists believed that money flowed through an economy like water through plumbing, So they could represent trade with physical pipework.

In the new Millennium we experts in economics have moved forward. At least we have where I live. The pipework model only theoretically represented the economy. We then realised that we could cut the physical model out altogether, and model from pure theory. This brilliant insight set us free to plan our economy according to axioms grounded in pure faith.

We are now managing our economy by our original and unique Vacuum Theory of economics. Everybody knows that nature abhors a vacuum. So it is obvious and does not need proving, that if you drain money out of an economy more must be automatically sucked in to replace it. Our other axiom is that growth is sustainable and Malthus's two hundred year old twaddle about exhausting resources is thinking that has long passed its use-by date. So it is perfectly possible to suck in more than you are draining out.

We have been busily implementing this by creating as many drains on the local economy as we possibly can. We have not only encouraged overseas businesses to take over our commerce, but also abolished all tax on the profits they repatriate, so maximising the loss to our local economy. Our piece de resistance will be the new world class incinerator. We are lavishing perhaps four or five times the cost of modern alternatives on the plant itself. We will also be bringing in civil engineers for massive surrounding works to make the location suitable, costing at least as much again. All told we can hope to dump almost 300 million pounds from the economy. By our theory, the inrush of replacement money and the inevitable growth will give us back half a billion.

Unfortunately, my advisers have not yet explained to me exactly how the money will suck back into our economy. However, as an act of faith, already we have been busily implementing our vacuum economics, and I am sure that it will soon become clear just how well they work in practice.

Clamp down time

We have had worrying news. There is allegedly going to be a flood of cheap cocaine in our capital, This is of course absolutely appalling. Cocaine is supposed to be an exclusive pleasure for the elite and we do not want to see every Tom, Dick and Harry indulging. The supply of cut-price drugs is a menace to our social order. It must be firmly dealt with.

Naturally, we shall clamp down with the utmost discretion. The new police chief fully understands how upholding the law must be balanced against protecting people in important and influential positions. I shall pull every string in my hands to ensure that there are no inappropriate investigations. Fortunately, our local press understand that noses are for sniffing with, not poking into affairs that don't concern them. So long as we find a few specimens of the hoi polloi to make examples of, all will be well in the end.